Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I was real hung over. I got up from bed, kicked over a Molson beer bottle and stumbled into the bathroom. As I reveled in the euphoric relief of peeing and I caught my reflection and did a double take! My reflection looked distorted! Not my face but my chest like I had something poking out my sweat shirt.
I sprayed the bathroom wall but I got a hold of myself. I finished and ripped off the sweatshirt. My eyes must be deceiving me cause this couldn't be…I had breasts!
Suddenly, I was shocked then angry.
“Breasts damn it!”
I slammed my fist into the mirror. I turned and threw the door open breaking it off its hinges. I ran towards the bed to grab the phone banging my toes against the bed spring!
“Son nva bit….!”
I fell over caught my weight on one of the nipples!
“Oooow, That hurt!”
I lay on the bed a tear rolling down my cheek. I tried to catch my breath. I’d managed to roll over off the twisted nipple which hurt like a “Motherphuckah”!
I rubbed the nipple trying to wiggle my throbbing foot. I was sure that my toes lay in between the box spring hopping among the dust bunnies. My hand bled from smashing the mirror. I reached for the phone and managed to sit up. I managed to barely get back into the bathroom.
Was this some kind of sick joke? Who would do this to me? Malone!
My best friend since I was a kid.
He could play the best practical jokes in the world. These were implants! Yeah! I looked under the right breast for a hint of a scar but there was none. I looked under the left one but there was nothing!
These breasts looked just as natural as any twenty two year old adult film star who’s had them since she was twelve. I was beginning to freak out. I looked inside my briefs to make sure the “Total Package” was still there.
Hey! Never mind what I call him! So anyway, he was ok but these breasts. I flew into another rage.
“Breasts damn it! I’ve got breasts!”
Normally that would be something to shout dancing alone in…..my…..under….wear. Did I just say that during the narration?
I had to calm down. I turned on the faucet letting the tap run. I splashed a lot of cold water on my face. It felt so good. I kept doing this to calm down. I took large deep breaths. I used to date this chick that was a total “Earth Mama” she had me doing yoga and meditation. Sista had me eating alfalfa spouts en shit! She taught me how to take these deep cleansing breaths and to count until I had exhaled the last whiff of air.
I’m thankful now but I must have gained twenty pounds dating her eating double pastrami cheese burgers with an egg everyday for lunch and smoking all those menthol's.
Actually, the meditation and breathing works! I’d thank her but she well…..that’s another story. But it was during breath number three that it occurred to me that I might be high.
“I was high!”
Yeah, that had to be it! I’m high and this is just some drug-induced hallucination. Not that that’s better but at least I know that this’ll wear off. But then the thought hit me as I washed the blood off my knuckles I couldn't’t be high. I haven’t smoked a joint since I was 17 years old and I’m twenty-eight.
This was just too unbelievable! I ain’t a health nut but I take care of myself. I got a lot of muscle. It helps on my job delivering packages.
I walked out into the bedroom and stood in front of the full length mirror where I practice my pose downs! I hit my first pose.
Triceps and Biceps blowing them out the water!
Quadriceps and hamstrings like two black granite pillars!
My shoulders, my Lats and traps need some work but when I hit pose number four. Double Bam!
I mean... DOUBLE BAM!
My Pecs are not supposed to look this good. I looked at my physique distorted by, I must say, some wonderful looking breasts that some poor adult film star must be missing right about now. I had to stop staring at myself cause I’ve got to say these breasts were getting me, well…..excited! I had to concentrate so I could continue my self examination. The nipples were just too large to be implants.
What’s happening to me?????
Sorry gang but this is just a teaser. Yeah, call me a tease but tell me how you like it and then I will publish more of the story. It was published in the Long Beach Pan Afrikan Writers Workshop Anthology. I just figured I'd wet your appetites with a lil taste of it. 8-)
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Imagine acting all Lawyerly and shit!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Weekends and the Eight Hour work Day brought to you by Organized Labor!
Overtime and vacation benefits brought to you by Organized Labor!
Sick Time and Workers Comp! You guess it! Organized Labor!
So, as you don those Dickies and work boots tomorrow or you slip into those Dockers and that White Collared button down and lace that blue tie around your neck. Remember..Labor Day and they way we work brought to you by Organized Labor!
BE Prayerful!BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The main purpose is population growth! Pleasure, arobic exercise and all around good fun is just a fringe benefit! A great fringe benefit! You know it! Playa Playa!
In the words of Spiderman's uncle. Great power comes great responsibilty. Let's talk about your situation. You got greedy! Pure and simple! Sex is addictive and those "feelings" are built into the package. No way around that Playa!
We here at Tech Support understand your problem. We laughing our collective azzes off but we understand!
First! You can not run the Girlfriend program without knowing the rules. Any Girl raised even half right ain't gonna want to date indefinately. She's gonna want to see progress. She wants to gauge that progress towards, hold on........
Engagement! Then.........hold on............wait for it! MARRIAGE! House! Babies! Growing Old with YOU!
Well....maybe not YOU! But some Dude! You must not want that....yet! So that's why you got Sidepiece!
Now, Sidepiece is where you get what Girlfriend does not provide and/or she let's you be less responsible than Girlfriend does. That's what you get! Now, Sidepiece does not wanna be a Sidepiece! No Girl does!
See, a Girl, Lady, Woman's EGO demands that SHE BE FIRST! So even if she is the Sidepiece she's looking to move up! Her EGO will NOT let her remain anything but # ONE even if it's not with YOU!
Now, Your Eff Buddy! She's got Feelings! HA! HA! HA! "FEELINGS!"
Did you really think she could let you in the HOLY OF HOLIES repeatedly and have NO FEELINGS?
Oh Playa! That's not how it works. Women are not built like that! Her body and her spirit have memorized YOU and guess what??? You have memorized all your Women tooooo! So, now thier programming is doing what it is designed to do. Oh wait! Their programming is doing what it is designed to do for Their HUSBAND!
So now what to do. We are gonna solve your technical problem. Do you have a LIFE INSURANCE POLICY?
May I interest you in TERM LIFE perhaps? Well come back to that!
Do Any of your Women know martial arts? Have a permit to carry a Firearm? Have the Burning Bed, Fatal Attraction or Any Madea Movies in they collections? If so YOU IN TROUBLE!
Dig? You gonna have to change YOUR PROGRAM! And possibly your ADDRESS! You have to DELETE YOUR PLAYA PROGRAM. You will have to GROW UP! GROW A PAIR! REINFORCE YOUR BACKBONE and CHOOSE ONE or NONE!
DO YOU EVEN KNOW F BUDDIES REAL NAME? DOES SIDEPIECE REALLY HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU? ARE YOU BEING REAL WITH "GIRLFRIEND" ?
HEY! I'm trying to save your life! Girlfriend, Sidepiece and F Buddy are programs you added when you installed PLAYA's CLUB PRESIDENT 5.0. You are infected with INFIDELITY and GREED! Ya cheatin Bastard! (Boss Lady threw that in)
I suggest you check our catalog and order FIDELITY 10.0, INTEGRITY 9.7, TEMPERANCE AND SELF CONTROL 2.5 and BABY Please DON'T KILL ME! Please Don't Leave Me! 3.0 and FOOT RUB AND FLOWERS 10.0
You gon need em Playa!
Now, by not reading the fine print you neglected the possible side effects! STD Dujour! Unwanted Pregnancy Times THREE! Not to mention the Broken hearts and possible Broken Nose you could receive!
Here's a thought! Who else is samplin a slice of SIDE PIECE? Oh, programs like this are not EXCLUSIVE! Who does your good ole EFF BUDDY Go HOME to? Hummmmmmmm? Better head to the Doctor and get your ish checked!
Stop Running the Playa President Program immediately! We take no responsibility as we informed you at the outset that THIS IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN REAL LIFE BUT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! CLUB NOT RESPONSIBLE!
THE PLAYA PRESIDENT/PLAYA's CLUB Program is only for PROFESSIONALS!
Don't Try this at HOME!
I hope y'all found this hilarious!
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dear Tech Support,
I am a Big fan of your Girlfriend program series. I have Girlfriend 2.5 have added the Steady 1.0 application but initially balked at the Exclusivity and Monogamy upgrades 3.5.
Hell Naw! I'm still running Playa's Club 5.0. I confess that I may have to remove this program. At first, it was a fun program running alongside Girlfriend 2.5. Sidepiece 6.1 is the BOMB! And F*UCK Buddies 2.0 is Incredible! Before you ask, Sidepiece is unaware of Girlfriend! There I said it! And F*CK Buddy! She thinks I'm being a piece of shit but she doesn't care cause I ain't her MAN!
But Girlfriend 2.5 constantly tries to add Exclusivity and Monogamous 3.5 to my system without my permission. It snuck this in alongside the Cleaning the Apartment, Kicking in on Groceries and Gas and HUMMER 3.0! I've noticed that HUMMER 3.0 is not a regular part of the maintenance but that's ok cause that requires I add Reciprocity 3.0 and Oh! HELL NAW! I Ain't doin that!
I've tried to find ways around this obvious programming glitch but to no avail. I can't run Girlfriend 2.5 without adding Exclusivity and Monogamy to the program. Damn! The System will shutdown if Girlfriend 2.5 detects Sidepiece and F*CK Buddy deducing they are VIRUSES and going into SAFE MODE QUARANTINE and Force me to DELETE Side piece and well.. you see where I'm going with this?
Am I the only one who's noticed that Sidepiece wants to upgrade and become Girlfriend complete with Exclusivity? And My F Buddy well....this was a great avatar cause it did not require any INTIMACY or COMMITMENT But now it programming has changed and it's displaying FEELINGS!
PLAYA IN DISTRESS!