Saturday, March 6, 2010

Mista Jaycee's TOP Five Crappiest Films!


Mrs. Jaycee, and I, watch movies together, on the weekend. We have a subscription to Blockbuster online, and so far, it's worked out well. I've sat through a few big budget Blockbuster movies, a chick flick, or two and a couple of seasons of Showtime's "The Tudors". ( Check this series out. Johnathan Rhys Meyers as Henry the 8th! Great)

This week my pick came up. "Jennifer's Body" starring Megan Fox.

Why Mista Jaycee?

Megan Fox is hot! She is, I think that thumbs kinda sexxxy! Moving right along, I rented the film, cause I would never spend $12 to see it in a theatre. Come on! I didn't expect it to be "Citizen Kane" just a fun hour at home.

This movie was badddddd! I mean, real bad! It Suxed! It suxed, so bad, that as a writer, I spent the time picking out the corny plot devices used in the film. Mrs. Jaycee and I, were laughing all the way through. She pointed out, that all the people and scenery, looked like something out of "Twilight"! I, pointed out, that all the guys in the film seemed to have absolutely NO common sense, so long as they had a chance, to see Megan Fox nekked!

"Wait! think dude, you a comic book nerd who listens to emo. She's a cheerleader who just led you into a vacant construction site." Run! You idiot! Run! But NOOOOOO! Then,(Spoiler alert) she eats him!

This movie was soooo bad that it inspired a list! A List! A LIST! Plus, Megan, Mrs. Jaycee says "You owe her some Money for this film!"

I present Mista Jaycee's TOP Five Crappiest Films! Now, let's rule out such cinematic suxutude as "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" Or the Tromaville catalog, cause those films, don't take themselves, seriously.


Number 5. Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor II. The Klumps!

The Nutty Professor was funnie, refreshing and original. Dr. Sherman Klump was a wonderful character, that allowed Eddie, to really riff off, his talent for costumes and voices. Jada Pinkett Smith was great! I love the scene where Dave Chappelle takes off his Hat in the Comedy Club! Classic!

But the Klumps was a great idea on paper! It wasn't funnie! Janet Jackson, is not that great an actress, it was painful at times to watch. But the film was just plain mean spirited! Damn! again, DAMN!

Moving along on our list!


Number 4. Trois starring Kenya Moore, Gary Dourdan and Gretchen Palmer

I wrote a poem starring Kenya Moore. I did. I went to see "Trois" in the theatre. I was completely alone. True Story! ALONE!

Kenya and Gary, play a buppie couple, moving up in the world. She, suffers Night Terrors that she won't share with her husband. Her husband, (Gary Dourdan) is an associate in a law firm with a regular ladies addiction. He has them for lunch! At work, he's friendly to a young male intern, who he drinks with, hangs out with, and shares his secrets with. Every time, Gary invites dude to the house, he always declines. (More on that later)

Gary and Kenya's bedroom is a lil stale. Gary, gets the bright idea, that they should have a threesome. Gary's buddy/intern has the "perfect" girl for them. Gretchen Palmer comes in and they have a night of unbridled carnal pleasure. Gretchen is diggin Kenya, and Kenya feeling fancy free, begins to enjoy Gretchen. Now, Gary is getting a lil pissed, cause this lil lady, is about to steal his wife. At work, things aren't better, as Gary is bitten by a poisonous snake, someone has placed in his car. Pictures of his "Lunch breaks" make it home to Kenya, and Gretchen and Kenya are still "friends".

The movie ends with Kenya, never having told Gary, that she is a domestic abuse survivor, who was almost killed by her college baseball playing boyfriend. That's what the nightmares are about. The Intern, turns out to BE the abusing boyfriend, who has gone so far as to follow her, finish school, go to law school and gets a job, as an intern to her Husband. When the intern finally does visit their home, he reveals that it is HE who sent the pictures, sabotaged the business lunch, planted the snake, and He did it all for Kenya! "All for you Baby Girl"

Kenya picks up a pistol and shoots.....herself in the stomach, to BE free from this bastard, who's beating the living poop out of husband. LAME! LAME!

But this film still does not top the list! Oh, it sux, even more! EVEN MORE!

Number 3 Jennifer's Body! That's right! It's number 3! Only #3! It may have inspired the list but it's not bad enough to BE # 1! It's here, cause of the lame plot, the silly dialogue and the unimaginative plot! Last, but not least, cause there's no real nude scene in the film! NONE! Just the customary Girl on Girl soft core Lesbian scene that we knew was gonna happen. We just knew it! Crappy lines like "We always sleep together when we have slumber parties." (GAG) Ok, that was a bit much, but it still suxed!

Now, Number 2 was debated! Oh, yes! See, My number 1 film was "Cappuccino", but then, Mrs. Jaycee and I, remembered, Eddie Murphy's NORBUT! I mean, Norbit! And we went round and round, until we had a Winner.


Number 2 belongs to "Cappuccino!"
Novelist/Screenwriter, Odie Hawkins, upon viewing this film, stated that it was soooo bad that it was good. You can use it to teach other people, what NOT to do! Yeah, it's that bad! But.....it is an independent film, made on a small budget, with unknown actors and a unknown director. I give it props, cause it wasn't a gangster/one drug deal and we out movie or a mindless coon show. It attempted to BE a suspense thriller. Novelist Eric Jerome Dickey wrote the screenplay. Not one of EJD's better works. (For that go read the real good book Sister Sister) But it was an independent movie! Everyone involved has to be able to put work on their resumes. I ain't mad! Do your thing!


So now.....


Number 1. Eddie Murphy's Norbit! Starring Eddie, Eddie, and Eddie, Katt Williams, Fast Eddie Griffith and cute lil Thandie Newton.


This is NOT an independent film, with unknown actors, a low budget or a new director. This is Blockbuster budget film, co-written, by one of the best comedic actors, to come along in the last 25 years! If ever, there was a film that offended, or should have offended, every Black Woman in the WORLD! It's Norbit!

"Rasputia" is a nightmare! Grossly obese, obnoxious, and mean to a fault! She's every stereotype ever leveled at Black Women all rolled into one character. It was just awful! Eddie and Charlie, Y'all got a Mama! What the hell, kinda hatred, y'all got towards the Sistas who ain't "Black White Girls"? You got "Rasputia" then you got "Thandie Newton's" light skinned, ultra thin, body as a counterpart. I'm sure, y'all got cousins that's dark skinned, heavyset, that look something closer to "Rasputia" than "Thandie!" . Did you mean to hurt "Them"? Damn!

Eddie, my man! You did some great work with "Boomerang" showcasing Black talent, in ways we've never seen it committed to modern film. But this, was just bullshit! I don't know what made you think, this was funnie?!!!!
Was someone high? Was the money that good? Damn Eddie!

"I guess you'll look back on this and file this one into the it seemed like a good idea at the time category, huh!

Well, now I'd like to open the floor, to your suggestions. Perhaps, you would like to watch these films. I say, do it with friends! You can never have enough good discussions, and these films, will create some "hellafied" conversation. All you need is some good buttered popcorn and it's on!

BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!

Jaycee

5 comments:

Anna Renee said...

Thanks Mista Jaycee! I really enjoyed your list, much much more than if I had gone to see any of these films! I cant even begin to tell you how disappointed I was in Eddie Murphy with those Norbit, Klump, crap! I would rather watch 48 hours and Trading Places a thousand times before ever watching that mess! I kinda HATE it a little bit whenever Eddie cross dresses and do multiple characters! Hey! Keep the reviews coming! Thanks :-D

rainwriter jones said...

Now wait a minute! I got a kick out of the buffet line scene wherein they cleared out mad amounts of food from the warmers. Farting and blowing up the place, too! (LMBAO)

I don't visit the theater that often here lately. Don't want to spend the money on movies that suck. At least at home, you ain't paying $20 for a tub of greasy-a** popcorn!

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Angel said...

LOL those Eddie Murphy films were awful and I waited until they came on TV before watching them as I heard so many bad reviews I wouldnt pay!

You should do this more often there are so many bad films out there you would never run out.

ChocolateOrchid said...

Whoa. I wanted to see "Jennifer's Body". Not actually pay to see it but watch it when it hits cable. Now I'm not sure I want to waist my time on it. Thanks for the review. And "Trois"?...Never seen it but didn't realize it was like that. That sounds crazy. Another one I'm happy that I didn't waste time on.
Never heard of "Cappuccino" but thanks for letting me know. And never was interested in "Norbit".