Mistress: Noun (Mis'tris) 1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support. 2. A mistress is a man's long-term female sexual partner and companion who is not married to him, especially used when the man is married to another woman. The relationship generally is stable and at least semi-permanent; however, the couple does not live together openly. Also the relationship is usually, but not always, secret. And there is the implication that a mistress may be "kept"—i.e., that the man is paying for some of the woman's living expenses, or provides her with an allowance.
Courtesy of Wiki Answers. Photo courtesy of the Web.
I just read a great post over at Absolut Brook's blog on the Steve Mcnair Murder. It spurred me to think of a few questions that I would like to ask his or someone else's mistress and the wife. If you are some one's Mistress feel free to comment.
Question 1. Surely, you were aware that he was married. So, why did you become involved with him in the first place? Was it sexual? You know just a one time thing that was too good to let go of? Or was it something else? Did you start as "Eff" Buddies? At what point did it become more?
Question 2. Now, let's be real. You did understand you were the Other Woman right? If he said he was gonna leave his Wife for you, did this bother you? He could leave you too. He could get another Mistress? What makes you think he would be faithful to you after clearly demonstrating that he is not faithful?
Question 3. Don't you think it's a bit arrogant to think that a Woman can "change" a Man? Am I being unfair?
Question 4. What about his kids? Do you think that it's right for him to have kids with you and neglect his other kids?
Now this is just part 1 cause I want to hear how y'all feel.
BE Careful! BE Mindful! BE Prayerful!
Jaycee
21 comments:
hmm
i think it is setting yourself up for failure. some women are okay with it b/c they love that man. in another society where men could have more than one woman things would work out better in these situations. usually the wives know. so why not discuss it. me i'm not cool with being the mistress or my man having one.
Ya know...these are great questions. I've never been anyone's mistress*, but I will say that this chick's naivete was quite obvious to me. Not that it justifies suicide or murder in any way. I wrote about it from the angle of how my 20-year-old mind could have processed the whole situation because I realize life has a way of shaping how you judge the reality vs. desired outcome.
*I should mention that I've been approached/propositioned by quite a few married men....ewww!
-Hmm I would give you my insight...But I may be judged for it. Ha!
Nice Drop...But That Pic Is Ridiculous LMAO
The thing with the moral questions is certain people have a very flexible moral compass when it is THEM and a very tightly reigned in one when it is YOU. They don't give a damn about his kids, but if their ex is one day late with child support they become hysterical. THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
;-o
~Mary
Stef,
You holding out on me? Shame! You won't be judged! Are you kidding? Me, who deteste Clowns for thier sheer Clownatude? ROTFL
Jaycee
Great questions!
As as as it is there are rules to this game, and not everyone follows them. But in the case of Steve I think he was dealing with an unstable woman so the rules might not apply.
Jaycee, brother there are some women who are perfectly comfortable filling those roles. I think it's strange, and speaks volumes as to the mental stability or self worth of a woman.
Some women use this as a defense mechanism. That is, they make it a point to date men who are married because they know that to them, they can never take him seriously. Hence, they can never be hurt by said man.
I spoke to a woman who I met recently and knowing that I'm married, I felt she was sizing me up. She went on in conversation to tell me of all the men she dated who were married. She explained to me that she could be trusted so as not to ever tell anyone about who she was seeing or dealing with.
Some women have issues like that in my book bro. I don't understand it, but it is what it is.
P.S. can you start posting pics of ugly chicks?
I am not a mistress but I think that I have idea because I know quite a few.
Women stay because they are "treated" well and given false hope. Usually the man assures them that the main relationship is going sour and/or doing this for the kids, yada, yada.
If the mistress has the married man kids she expects to be treated equally or rush the process of divorce. Again false hope. I know a woman who only got the man for a few months because the wife found out about the kids and kick him out. But then man realizes that he still has to support the family, has history...and more to loose if he stays with the mistress. So he goes to marriage counseling.
The mistress usually doesn't feel like she can change him. The man is TELLING her that things will change. He usually tells her lies when she threatens to blow the whistle and/or leave.
Some of the time the mistress doesn't even know until after she has fell in to deep and feeling sare strong.
There are some women who don't give a ____ and like the no strings attached yet being taken care of. But most of the time the mistress has feelings which is why she cant leave.
It seems that women tend to give their pussy too much power...
they think that if they give it to him right, and do the things they assume or he might have said that he does not get at home...
well...
they believe they can screw their way to wife status.
Never been a mistress, but I know a mistress or two.
Men doing because they can. Women allow it because they are desperate.
Women have the final say. It is not worth your health, your emotional well-being, and/or your life to become attached to someone that is not yours in the first place.
Just say no!
I've never been with a married man...
Wouldn't want it done to me so I certainly wouldn't do it someone else.
Besides, it would ALWAYS be in the back of my mind that he'd someday do the same thing to me **which by the way is usually how it works**.
Mistresses ALWAYS hope they can steal the man from his wife. I don't care what any of them say. They don't care that he is married because they figure they are good enough to break up his marriage. Now, that is fair game! A man must understand that is a mistress's raison d'etre, and a mistress must also accept that she may fail and, if she does, she must accept her role (or kick the husband to the kerb!)
I don't know what this is all about. This is simple. It's not always about the man giving the mistress money or taking care of them. It's seldom about him telling the side woman that he's leaving his wife. All that mess is merely excuses -- poor excuses for woman that just can't get a man of their own. Frequently it's the woman that has a self image that misguidedly provokes her to reach too far up the tree. She's comfortable with being the other woman and lies to herself (and others). They do fall in love with the married man and love makes us all do crazy thangs. Woman that desire married men would rather have Mr. "A" part of the time than settle for "C-" all the time. Mr. "C" might be an "A" to others but he is not "A" in the mind of Ms Mistress.
There's another piece of this pie. Black men are in short supply. So maybe we shouldn't hate the playgirl but hate the game.
Hey Double C,
Thanks for chiming in. I respectfully disagree with the Black Men are in short supply statement. We aren't! There's plenty! Now, questions of Alpha Male, Prime and Triple A quality are subjective depending on who's doing the judging dig? There are plenty of quality beautiful Sistas out there but not many Halle Berry's. If you only choose to look for the Halle or look for Mcnair or whoever is supposed to be the premium Dude then yeah, there's a shortage.
I think people get into having a mistress for alot of reasons after they ignore the primary program. She's Married! He's Married! Don't touch them!
Thanks for Chiming in
Jaycee
whewww i have alot to say about this but i think i am going to keep most of it to myself...what i will say is that sometimes by the time a female realizes that she is the other one/mistress/side piece she is too far in with the guy... no matter what people say emotional bondage is alot stronger than people think. just imagine being with someone for a year or so and you will never think he has another family because in your eyes he is always with you.. it happens
I love your blog Mista Jaycee.
I have to chime in here. I am currently in a very viscous situation with a very married man. He is quite older than I and it was a total accident.
He is a traveling business man who frequently traveled to my city. He stayed in a hotel near the bar I worked and frequented the bar.
I fell for him and he for me.
1. I am aware he is married and very aware he may never leave her. As unhappy as he is, and as infrequently as is he is home with her, it is, to be frank, cheaper to keep her...at least until she notices she is unhappy too and leaves him. It isn't just sexual. There is a definite powerful sexual connection, but it isn't about sex or about the things he can do/get for me. He is now my best friend and we have resolved that with the potential demise of our romantic relationship, we will always be friends first.
I can't even really answer those other questions. Honestly, what is missing from everyone's conversation is human emotion. Of course there are women who enjoy the "other woman" status and the accompanying guilt gifts. There are some women who don't care about the wife, are disillusioned to believe they will be the wife one day.
But there are people who are unfulfilled in their interpersonal relationships. Economics and other capitalistic American concerns keep them married, but no material thing in the world is a substitute for love, being needed, appreciated, and not being lonely.
Obviously, I am taking this personal because I am someone's mistress. But I think that we should all keep in mind, before we judge and share our opinions, life happens. Life is hard and sad and people do things that are not always right to compensate for the shortcomings of their lives.
I think about his wife and feel enormous fear about karma because I do want to be somebody's wife one day. I feel terrible for creating more distance between her and her husband. As we get closer, he can't take his marriage seriously. It is awful. But as someone said, love drives you crazy, straight up.
Sorry I wrote an essay up here.
Wonderful blog...
Not that I speak on behalf of all mistresses, but I would like to shine some light on an aspect of the mistress situation often left unaddressed.
it is a horrible thing to do. It is unfair to all involved and very unfulfilling to be honest.
I am completely in love with man who is very much married. We have been in a very serious relationship for several months now. It is not about the sex or the things he can do/get for me.
The fact of the matter is he is in a lonely marriage that would be too expensive to initiate a divorce. He travels more than half the year and still sleeps in a separate room when home. He is a business man whose business frequently brings him to my city. He stayed in a hotel across the street from a bar at which I worked.
We identify with each other in a powerful manner. It just started as a bartender/great tipper relationship. I foolishly allowed us to spend time together outside of work and we fell in love.
I am well aware he is married, even more aware he may never leave his wife.
I am wrecked with guilt sometimes because I want to be someone's wife someday and I know karma is watching.
I am also wrecked with guilt because altho they are unhappy, they are still married and there is the potential to repair their relationship. However, I am in the way by monopolizing his time and emotional interest and energy.
What I really want to say is that life happens. It is hard and sad sometimes and people do things that are not always right to soothe their misery. We were/are both in lonely, hopeless times of our lives for different reasons and found solace in one another.
I'm not a blood sucking, insecure, commitment-phobe golddigger, and he is not a careless, heartless, pussy predator either.
We are two lonely people who found a home in each other. It is about much more than the things people think these types of relationships are about. We have vowed, even with the impending demise of our romantic relationship, that we will always be friends. We have seen each other through much.
I just want to explain to everyone that no situation is subject to the generic descriptions and formulas of interaction that we see in movies. There are emotions involved and not everyone is as naive, stupid, arrogant, predatory, or heartless as you think. Life happens.
Sorry for writing this essay!
me again...i didn't realize that your blog requires author approval for comments. when i didn't see my comment the first time, i typed another from memory. sorry about that!!
Great blog! I'm just feeling your questions on this post! Coz yea what really goes on in the mind of a mistress? I woulda said they're crazy but I know a few, and they're all very smart women. You'd never imagine that they'd put themselves in that position. From the way they talk, they seem to think that all that's important is that their men love them. you and I know that can't be true or else they wouldn't be mistresses. But they just don't seem to get it.
Dear Anonymous,
I hope that you are indeed reading this. You are in a bad situation and I know that you didn't mean to be there but you have got to get out of it! No ands, if or buts you have got to get out of it! It's Wrong! It keeps you from getting the someone who is really for You. He's older, you say? Then he should know better! That's his MARRIAGE he's not being faithful to. All the questions of Love and he's in a bad marriage may be true but it doesn't change the fact that it is WRONG and it keeps YOU from what God (IAM) has for YOU!
My Prayers are with you!
Jaycee
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