FICTION: "Effin D Cups!"

I woke up the same as I always do on the weekends, Hung over!


I was real hung over. I got up from bed, kicked over a Molson beer bottle and stumbled into the bathroom. As I reveled in the euphoric relief of peeing and I caught my reflection and did a double take! My reflection looked distorted! Not my face but my chest like I had something poking out my sweat shirt.


“Fuck!”


I sprayed the bathroom wall but I got a hold of myself. I finished and ripped off the sweatshirt. My eyes must be deceiving me cause this couldn't be…I had breasts!

Suddenly, I was shocked then angry.

“Breasts damn it!”

I slammed my fist into the mirror. I turned and threw the door open breaking it off its hinges. I ran towards the bed to grab the phone banging my toes against the bed spring!


“Son nva bit….!”


I fell over caught my weight on one of the nipples!

“Oooow, That hurt!”


I lay on the bed a tear rolling down my cheek. I tried to catch my breath. I’d managed to roll over off the twisted nipple which hurt like a “Motherphuckah”!


I rubbed the nipple trying to wiggle my throbbing foot. I was sure that my toes lay in between the box spring hopping among the dust bunnies. My hand bled from smashing the mirror. I reached for the phone and managed to sit up. I managed to barely get back into the bathroom.


Was this some kind of sick joke? Who would do this to me? Malone!


Yeah, Malone!


My best friend since I was a kid.


He could play the best practical jokes in the world. These were implants! Yeah! I looked under the right breast for a hint of a scar but there was none. I looked under the left one but there was nothing!


These breasts looked just as natural as any twenty two year old adult film star who’s had them since she was twelve. I was beginning to freak out. I looked inside my briefs to make sure the “Total Package” was still there.


Hey! Never mind what I call him! So anyway, he was ok but these breasts. I flew into another rage.


“Breasts damn it! I’ve got breasts!”


Normally that would be something to shout dancing alone in…..my…..under….wear. Did I just say that during the narration?

Well, whatever!


I had to calm down. I turned on the faucet letting the tap run. I splashed a lot of cold water on my face. It felt so good. I kept doing this to calm down. I took large deep breaths. I used to date this chick that was a total “Earth Mama” she had me doing yoga and meditation. Sista had me eating alfalfa spouts en shit! She taught me how to take these deep cleansing breaths and to count until I had exhaled the last whiff of air.


I’m thankful now but I must have gained twenty pounds dating her eating double pastrami cheese burgers with an egg everyday for lunch and smoking all those menthol's.
Actually, the meditation and breathing works! I’d thank her but she well…..that’s another story. But it was during breath number three that it occurred to me that I might be high.


“I was high!”


Yeah, that had to be it! I’m high and this is just some drug-induced hallucination. Not that that’s better but at least I know that this’ll wear off. But then the thought hit me as I washed the blood off my knuckles I couldn't’t be high. I haven’t smoked a joint since I was 17 years old and I’m twenty-eight.

This was just too unbelievable! I ain’t a health nut but I take care of myself. I got a lot of muscle. It helps on my job delivering packages.


I walked out into the bedroom and stood in front of the full length mirror where I practice my pose downs! I hit my first pose.


Bam!

Triceps and Biceps blowing them out the water!


Second pose.


Bam!


Quadriceps and hamstrings like two black granite pillars!


Third pose.


Bam!


My shoulders, my Lats and traps need some work but when I hit pose number four. Double Bam!


I mean... DOUBLE BAM!


My Pecs are not supposed to look this good. I looked at my physique distorted by, I must say, some wonderful looking breasts that some poor adult film star must be missing right about now. I had to stop staring at myself cause I’ve got to say these breasts were getting me, well…..excited! I had to concentrate so I could continue my self examination. The nipples were just too large to be implants.


What’s happening to me?????

Sorry gang but this is just a teaser. Yeah, call me a tease but tell me how you like it and then I will publish more of the story. It was published in the Long Beach Pan Afrikan Writers Workshop Anthology. I just figured I'd wet your appetites with a lil taste of it. 8-)

BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Jaycee

JURY DUTY! ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHH!

They held me hostage! It was horrible! I got summoned for JURY DUTY! They herded us into a room like cattle leaving us for hours.

Jury Duty is our civic duty! That's right!

It SUX!

They should pay us our actual daily wage for at least one day! Not that $15 dollar a day, 34 cents a mile nonsense.

BE Prayerful! BE Careful! BE Mindful!

Jaycee

Visuals provided by the World Wide Web.

Hey Y'all

I've been missing in actions for a few days. Sometimes life can give you the middle digit and you just gotta deal with it!

Oh well, I'm back now and I will be posting new things soon. I would like to welcome all the new Followers and readers. Thank You for joining!

BE Careful! BE Mindful! BE Prayerful!

Jaycee

Minister Farrakhan: "Whose Fruit Are We"

Definately worth peeping!
Jaycee

Let's Protest "Bam Bam"!

Been looking at Glenn Beck and Rush and Billy O and well I think it's time I joined the winning team! You should listen to me!

Let's protest OBAMA!

Why?

Cause Obama is not attacking the NUTS attacking him! How dare, he be a Harvard trained Constitutional Lawyer and act well.......Civilized and Lawyerly!

Imagine acting all Lawyerly and shit!

Let's go out in the streets and Say MR. OBAMA Stop Being Such a PANSIE!

Who's with me?

I WANT HEALTH CARE REFORM so MY DOCTOR can get the tests he wants so he can know if anythings wrong! I can't afford the CO-Pay and the insurance companies use a sliding scale how much they charge for the same service depending on the insurance!

I WANT MY TAX DOLLARS USED TO FIX THE 710, 110, 101, 5, and 60 Freeways! I WANT SOME OF THESE NATIONAL PARKS and THE NATIONAL MALL TO BE RESTORED TO PROMINENCE!

I WANT MY TAX DOLLARS SPENT ON EDUCATION!

I WANT THE VETS TO HAVE GREAT HEALTH CARE AND BENEFITS! They've held up their end!

I WANT FEDERAL MONEY TO BE USED TO SECURE THE PORTS AND REFINERIES! I Want the FOLKS Manning the XRAY machine at the AIRPORTS TO GET A BIG RAISE!

Don't want the NEW OSAMA getting passed Barney FIFE!

Let's PROTEST THE PRESIDENT! HE SHOULD GET US OUR HEALTH CARE!

HE SHOULD FIX THE ECONOMY AND REGULATE WALL STREET RIGHT! AND RIGHT NOW!

Come on let's protest Obama! After all, the AMERICAN PEOPLE elected him to fix health care, restore honor and dignity to the White House, Fix the ECONOMY and not mess with the interns!

Damn it! HE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT ALL ALREADY!

Maybe if we protest him for NOT Doing what we've elected him to do fast enough then maybe we will get some TV TIME! HELL! THE BIRTHERS GET IT! THE TEA PARTY NUTS GET IT!

THE OBAMA'S A COMMIE/MUSLIM Crowds get it!

Damn it ! I want some too!

BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!

Jaycee

WTH is Up with these Tea Parties?

I've been watching these so called Tea Parties and protests on the news lately and it makes me lament the death of impartial, unbiased, investigative journalism.

One birther groups announced that they had as many as two million people and on television who could tell? But the real number was only 60,000. That's a good amount of people but it ain't two million.

Does it bother anyone else that journalists don't hit some of these folks with facts disputing or disproving their claims?

You would think that President Obama was trying to arrest and hold people without charges! Oh, that was Bush!

You would think he gave a tax cut to the Richest Folks in America! That was Bush too! Sorry!

You would think that one of his lawyers thought that the Geneva Conventions against Torture were flimsy and didn't apply to us? Is water boarding really torture? Oops that was John Yu and John Ashcroft!

Obama proposes a "Soda Tax" and Coca Cola calls it Stalin ism? Funny, no one complained when the "Sin Tax" was put on the cigarettes!

Obama wants to reform health Care! But he's called a Nazi cause he wants a Public Option included for Citizens to buy their Governments plan. He's not forcing anyone to take it! He's not banning Private insurance! That's not even on the table yet there are protests!

I don't get it!

BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!

Jaycee

Pastor C. Wesley Knight--I Hope You Run Out

Mike Steele Goes to Howard!

Last week RNC Chairman Michael Steele visited Historically Black Howard University. I will give it to dude because he has tried to at least appear like the party is reaching out to Black Folks.

So why is he failing so badly?

Believe it or not it is because Mr. Steele has not done his homework. I watched dude on CNN talking about being the Hip Hop Republican opposite Public Enemy Front man/CNN Commentator Chuck D. Mr. Steele made the statement that Chuck was from the ghetto and managed to rise up and Chuck corrected him stating that he was raised in a suburb in Long Island, New York.

Faux Pas!

Anyone who actually listened to Hip Hop in the 90's knew that Public Enemy and De La Soul were Long Island kids and it was significant cause Hip-Hop was no longer just coming from that Brooklyn/Queens/South Bronx connection. Now you had groups who were coming from a lil more education and had grown up a lil more affluent however they still spoke of their own struggles being Black in America.

Mr. Steele, you're over 40 it's time to change your idea of hip. It ain't you! Hip is not what the Republicans need anyway. Hip is not what Black Republicans should be trying to be. How about be ARTICULATE. That would be good for starters.

How bout recognizing that two of America's Greatest Black Conservatives George Shyuler and Thomas Sowell both came out of Howard University. Thomas Sowell did his undergrad at HOWARD before he transferred to HARVARD! Why didn't you call him? He's even come back to Howard to teach classes on occasion.

How about a message that actually speaks to Black People in America. I went to a web site called Hip Hop Republican which went to great lengths to point out that most HBCU's were founded by Republicans. So what?

This Republican Party is not that Republican Party. That Republican Party that founded those Historically Black Colleges and Universities was a "RADICAL" Branch of the larger Republican Body. That's right a group of activists and dissidents who broke from the main branch!

Today's face of the Republican Party is George Walker Bush, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Tom Delay and Newt Gingrich! That's the face of today's Republican Party.

I want to say this to Mr. Steele and to any other party that comes before a group of Black Folks. You have to know who you are talking to. A strong National Defense may be important but not necessarily the most important thing to us. Low Taxes are great in theory but not at the expense of Infrastructure. Too many potholes! Too many schools that should have been torn down and rebuilt decades ago.

Black Folks ideas about the Republican agenda may be vastly different than Newt Gingrich's. You have to be prepared to meet us there. Remember Black Folks know more about Self Determination and Self Reliance than alot of your party mates. Marcus Garvey, Elijah Muhammad, and Dr. Vernon Johns all encouraged us to build businesses for ourselves. Remember that! Mr. Muhammad may have said that the White Man is the Devil but he also had a bunch of previously criminal Men free of drugs, cigarettes and alcohol standing clean shaved and wearing suits going home and taking care of they Women and babies and selling bean pies and fish!

So that pulling Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps is bull ish! Cause we invented it! If Black Folks do come to the Republican Party remember this it's not just gonna look Black but it's gonna BE Black!

Finally, Mr. Steele you should explain what a Conservative is trying to Conserve? This really makes no Sense!

BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!

Jaycee

Happy Labor Day!

Labor Day was instituted by United States President Grover Cleveland in the aftermath of the Pullman Strike and the Haymarket Massacre. As we enjoy Labor Day take time to reflect that blood has been shed so that we can enjoy fair treatment and wages. Don't take this for granted!

Weekends and the Eight Hour work Day brought to you by Organized Labor!

Overtime and vacation benefits brought to you by Organized Labor!

Sick Time and Workers Comp! You guess it! Organized Labor!

So, as you don those Dickies and work boots tomorrow or you slip into those Dockers and that White Collared button down and lace that blue tie around your neck. Remember..Labor Day and they way we work brought to you by Organized Labor!

BE Prayerful!BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee

Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra and Joyce Yang

Pianist Joyce Yang

My buddy Patrick from Project Ensemble, Projens@aol.com, once again came through and blessed me with tickets to Classical Thursdays at the Hollywood Bowl. For all y'all non LA Folks, let me just let you know that Carnegie Hall in New York, The Royal Albert Hall in London, England and The Hollywood Bowl are the Holy Trinity of Performance Venues.

I love the Bowl because of the eclectic mix of people that attend the shows. It's where the ARTSY and the FARTSY meet! That's cool! It means that some kid into "Fishbone" and a really affluent couple from LA's Westside can get together and enjoy the same thing.

So last night Mrs. Jaycee and my buddy Ty (DJ Phantom) and Mrs. Ty all made the trek from the LB to Hollywood. Thank God Mrs. Jaycee drove cause if I had to drive the 101, well let's just say that the Letters F and U would have been in constant rotation! Moving right along! 8-)

We were running a lil late but it was worth it cause Mrs. Jaycee looked lovely and Mrs. Ty was well dressed as well. Hey, I looking too hard another dude's Wife! I already got enough enemies. Clowns, Smoove Jazz Lovers and makers of Tight Binding underwear!

Dig, when we arrived 23 year old pianist Joyce Yang was already playing with the Phil. The combination of Piano and Orchestra is just divine. We had tickets to sit in the bench sections which are cool if you bring your own food and wine which we did but we were escorted to section J which had a better view of the stage. Now, there are no bad seats in the bowl!

But Mrs. Ty brought out some chicken tenders and Mrs. Jaycee opened a Muscat Cannelli and doled out a Spinach Farfelle with Chicken and a Cesar Salad. And to give props were they are due, Mrs. Jaycee stopped at Torotelli Limonelli and got some great bread. (I'll be reviewing this restaurant later)

For the record, Mrs. Jaycee was Super GRUMPY after working all day and we didn't talk much to each other during the night. I have a bad cold and wasn't feeling all that good but excuses, excuses.

MRS. JAYCEE LOOKED GOOD! Real GOOD! Just saying it now cause I don't want her to write TECH SUPPORT ON MY AZZ!

Anyway, with good food, good wine, good company and good music make for a spectacular evening!

BE Prayerful! BE Careful! BE Mindful!

Jaycee

Dear Tech Support! Part 2

Dear Playa in Distress,

Ha! I passed this around tech support and we couldn't stop laughing! Almost got us fired! I showed the Boss and she laughed so hard that her water broke!

She was laughing after fourteen hours of labor. By the way, she told me to tell you Hi!

Now, on to your letter. You have got a serious dilemma. You see the Sexual operating matrix is not for pleasure. It's a benefit but not the purpose.

The main purpose is population growth! Pleasure, arobic exercise and all around good fun is just a fringe benefit! A great fringe benefit! You know it! Playa Playa!

In the words of Spiderman's uncle. Great power comes great responsibilty. Let's talk about your situation. You got greedy! Pure and simple! Sex is addictive and those "feelings" are built into the package. No way around that Playa!

We here at Tech Support understand your problem. We laughing our collective azzes off but we understand!

First! You can not run the Girlfriend program without knowing the rules. Any Girl raised even half right ain't gonna want to date indefinately. She's gonna want to see progress. She wants to gauge that progress towards, hold on........

Engagement! Then.........hold on............wait for it! MARRIAGE! House! Babies! Growing Old with YOU!

Well....maybe not YOU! But some Dude! You must not want that....yet! So that's why you got Sidepiece!

Now, Sidepiece is where you get what Girlfriend does not provide and/or she let's you be less responsible than Girlfriend does. That's what you get! Now, Sidepiece does not wanna be a Sidepiece! No Girl does!

See, a Girl, Lady, Woman's EGO demands that SHE BE FIRST! So even if she is the Sidepiece she's looking to move up! Her EGO will NOT let her remain anything but # ONE even if it's not with YOU!

Now, Your Eff Buddy! She's got Feelings! HA! HA! HA! "FEELINGS!"

Did you really think she could let you in the HOLY OF HOLIES repeatedly and have NO FEELINGS?

Oh Playa! That's not how it works. Women are not built like that! Her body and her spirit have memorized YOU and guess what??? You have memorized all your Women tooooo! So, now thier programming is doing what it is designed to do. Oh wait! Their programming is doing what it is designed to do for Their HUSBAND!

So now what to do. We are gonna solve your technical problem. Do you have a LIFE INSURANCE POLICY?

May I interest you in TERM LIFE perhaps? Well come back to that!

Do Any of your Women know martial arts? Have a permit to carry a Firearm? Have the Burning Bed, Fatal Attraction or Any Madea Movies in they collections? If so YOU IN TROUBLE!

Dig? You gonna have to change YOUR PROGRAM! And possibly your ADDRESS! You have to DELETE YOUR PLAYA PROGRAM. You will have to GROW UP! GROW A PAIR! REINFORCE YOUR BACKBONE and CHOOSE ONE or NONE!

DO YOU EVEN KNOW F BUDDIES REAL NAME? DOES SIDEPIECE REALLY HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU? ARE YOU BEING REAL WITH "GIRLFRIEND" ?

HEY! I'm trying to save your life! Girlfriend, Sidepiece and F Buddy are programs you added when you installed PLAYA's CLUB PRESIDENT 5.0. You are infected with INFIDELITY and GREED! Ya cheatin Bastard! (Boss Lady threw that in)

I suggest you check our catalog and order FIDELITY 10.0, INTEGRITY 9.7, TEMPERANCE AND SELF CONTROL 2.5 and BABY Please DON'T KILL ME! Please Don't Leave Me! 3.0 and FOOT RUB AND FLOWERS 10.0

You gon need em Playa!

Now, by not reading the fine print you neglected the possible side effects! STD Dujour! Unwanted Pregnancy Times THREE! Not to mention the Broken hearts and possible Broken Nose you could receive!

Here's a thought! Who else is samplin a slice of SIDE PIECE? Oh, programs like this are not EXCLUSIVE! Who does your good ole EFF BUDDY Go HOME to? Hummmmmmmm? Better head to the Doctor and get your ish checked!

Stop Running the Playa President Program immediately! We take no responsibility as we informed you at the outset that THIS IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN REAL LIFE BUT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! CLUB NOT RESPONSIBLE!

THE PLAYA PRESIDENT/PLAYA's CLUB Program is only for PROFESSIONALS!

Don't Try this at HOME!

I hope y'all found this hilarious!

BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Jaycee

Dear Tech Support!

Dear Tech Support,

I am a Big fan of your Girlfriend program series. I have Girlfriend 2.5 have added the Steady 1.0 application but initially balked at the Exclusivity and Monogamy upgrades 3.5.

Hell Naw! I'm still running Playa's Club 5.0. I confess that I may have to remove this program. At first, it was a fun program running alongside Girlfriend 2.5. Sidepiece 6.1 is the BOMB! And F*UCK Buddies 2.0 is Incredible! Before you ask, Sidepiece is unaware of Girlfriend! There I said it! And F*CK Buddy! She thinks I'm being a piece of shit but she doesn't care cause I ain't her MAN!

But Girlfriend 2.5 constantly tries to add Exclusivity and Monogamous 3.5 to my system without my permission. It snuck this in alongside the Cleaning the Apartment, Kicking in on Groceries and Gas and HUMMER 3.0! I've noticed that HUMMER 3.0 is not a regular part of the maintenance but that's ok cause that requires I add Reciprocity 3.0 and Oh! HELL NAW! I Ain't doin that!


I've tried to find ways around this obvious programming glitch but to no avail. I can't run Girlfriend 2.5 without adding Exclusivity and Monogamy to the program. Damn! The System will shutdown if Girlfriend 2.5 detects Sidepiece and F*CK Buddy deducing they are VIRUSES and going into SAFE MODE QUARANTINE and Force me to DELETE Side piece and well.. you see where I'm going with this?

Am I the only one who's noticed that Sidepiece wants to upgrade and become Girlfriend complete with Exclusivity? And My F Buddy well....this was a great avatar cause it did not require any INTIMACY or COMMITMENT But now it programming has changed and it's displaying FEELINGS!

HELP!

PLAYA IN DISTRESS!