Wednesday, September 30, 2009

FICTION: "Effin D Cups!"

I woke up the same as I always do on the weekends, Hung over!

I was real hung over. I got up from bed, kicked over a Molson beer bottle and stumbled into the bathroom. As I reveled in the euphoric relief of peeing and I caught my reflection and did a double take! My reflection looked distorted! Not my face but my chest like I had something poking out my sweat shirt.


I sprayed the bathroom wall but I got a hold of myself. I finished and ripped off the sweatshirt. My eyes must be deceiving me cause this couldn't be…I had breasts!

Suddenly, I was shocked then angry.

“Breasts damn it!”

I slammed my fist into the mirror. I turned and threw the door open breaking it off its hinges. I ran towards the bed to grab the phone banging my toes against the bed spring!

“Son nva bit….!”

I fell over caught my weight on one of the nipples!

Oooow, That hurt!”

I lay on the bed a tear rolling down my cheek. I tried to catch my breath. I’d managed to roll over off the twisted nipple which hurt like a “Motherphuckah”!

I rubbed the nipple trying to wiggle my throbbing foot. I was sure that my toes lay in between the box spring hopping among the dust bunnies. My hand bled from smashing the mirror. I reached for the phone and managed to sit up. I managed to barely get back into the bathroom.

Was this some kind of sick joke? Who would do this to me? Malone!

Yeah, Malone!

My best friend since I was a kid.

He could play the best practical jokes in the world. These were implants! Yeah! I looked under the right breast for a hint of a scar but there was none. I looked under the left one but there was nothing!

These breasts looked just as natural as any twenty two year old adult film star who’s had them since she was twelve. I was beginning to freak out. I looked inside my briefs to make sure the “Total Package” was still there.

Hey! Never mind what I call him! So anyway, he was ok but these breasts. I flew into another rage.

“Breasts damn it! I’ve got breasts!”

Normally that would be something to shout dancing alone in……..under….wear. Did I just say that during the narration?

Well, whatever!

I had to calm down. I turned on the faucet letting the tap run. I splashed a lot of cold water on my face. It felt so good. I kept doing this to calm down. I took large deep breaths. I used to date this chick that was a total “Earth Mama” she had me doing yoga and meditation. Sista had me eating alfalfa spouts en shit! She taught me how to take these deep cleansing breaths and to count until I had exhaled the last whiff of air.

I’m thankful now but I must have gained twenty pounds dating her eating double pastrami cheese burgers with an egg everyday for lunch and smoking all those menthol's.
Actually, the meditation and breathing works! I’d thank her but she well…..that’s another story. But it was during breath number three that it occurred to me that I might be high.

“I was high!”

Yeah, that had to be it! I’m high and this is just some drug-induced hallucination. Not that that’s better but at least I know that this’ll wear off. But then the thought hit me as I washed the blood off my knuckles I couldn't’t be high. I haven’t smoked a joint since I was 17 years old and I’m twenty-eight.

This was just too unbelievable! I ain’t a health nut but I take care of myself. I got a lot of muscle. It helps on my job delivering packages.

I walked out into the bedroom and stood in front of the full length mirror where I practice my pose downs! I hit my first pose.


Triceps and Biceps blowing them out the water!

Second pose.


Quadriceps and hamstrings like two black granite pillars!

Third pose.


My shoulders, my Lats and traps need some work but when I hit pose number four. Double Bam!

I mean... DOUBLE BAM!

My Pecs are not supposed to look this good. I looked at my physique distorted by, I must say, some wonderful looking breasts that some poor adult film star must be missing right about now. I had to stop staring at myself cause I’ve got to say these breasts were getting me, well…..excited! I had to concentrate so I could continue my self examination. The nipples were just too large to be implants.

What’s happening to me?????

Sorry gang but this is just a teaser. Yeah, call me a tease but tell me how you like it and then I will publish more of the story. It was published in the Long Beach Pan Afrikan Writers Workshop Anthology. I just figured I'd wet your appetites with a lil taste of it. 8-)

BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!


Myne Whitman said...

I must say it's a weird post but I'll like to know where you're going with it.

Mista Jaycee said...

This is a short blurb of my first published story. I hope that you will enjoy it.

Miss.Stefanie said...

Its like some sci fi thing Id see on a mix of the sci fi channel and dhc

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

I read your final part 3 today and had to backtrack here to catch up; don't know how I missed it.

So far it's sounding like a straight man's nightmare or tranny's dream come true! I'll keep reading...