Happy Free Candy Day! Happy Dress Up and BE Silly with Your Family Day! Also known as Halloween! Have a Happy Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Filled Night!BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Free Candy Day!
Happy Free Candy Day! Happy Dress Up and BE Silly with Your Family Day! Also known as Halloween! Have a Happy Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Filled Night!BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Fiction: Effin D Cups Part 3
Hey Y'all,
So this is the last section of the Effin D Cups! We left Wilt and Dr. John Morales in Dr. Morales Home office.
“Wilt, I going to draw some blood and have your hormones tested. I’ll need a sperm sample too. I’m going to take you off work and place you on disability until we figure this out. Don’t worry we will work it out.”
I hated his reassuring voice right now. Plus, he seemed too excited about this. He had this insane gleam in his eye. At this thought, I decided to ask some real questions.
“John, what am I gonna do? I, not we woke up with breasts. I’m a man!
A Man! Damn it! What am I going to do? , I felt myself going over the edge. How will I be able to get through this? At that moment a text was coming through. By the ring tone I knew Sheba Jones wanted to take another bite out me.
I ignored it cause of all the times that this was not the time. This was the time! Instead I concentrated on what John was saying.
“Wilt if you couldn’t walk tomorrow what would you do? Would you give up and say I can’t walk so that’s it? If you couldn’t have children would you still be a man? Could you still be loved and love someone? He paused for dramatic effect. Shit, was honestly pissing me off. Sheba sent another text.
This one was marked URGENT! I ignored it because SHEBA was epitome of the word Drama and I didn’t have time for this. She always texted URGENT! Dr. John was still going.
“Well, Wilton Tate? You are Wilton Tate, a man. That doesn’t change because of the shell. And I might add that gender doesn’t make up all of what you are. Who are you at your essence? What are you at you essence?"
He looked at the breasts.
"John, stop staring at my breasts please.”
He laughed.
I can’t help it some poor adult film stars missing those. We both found ourselves laughing, loud and hardy. Then John, put on his Doctor cap again, and began to ask me questions about what had I been doing in the last two weeks. We moved from the examination room into his small office. Once again, Drama Queen Sheba, my Sexxxy friend with benefits texted a Brotha!
URGENT!
"Damn it Wilton! Answer this phone! Need to talk to you now! Right now!"
John stared at me, obviously wondering about the rash of texts. There was a knock at the door. His wife stepped in, I found myself covering my breasts, I mean, the twins! She looked at us, Chai tea tray and saucers held before her. This was just a ruse! John looked at his Wife as a disapproving Father would a naughty child. She didn’t flinch! But her accent became more pronounced.
“Wha Cha want me do? Boy interrupt me Saturday with me Husband yelling bout breasts! I had to see me self!”
I turned so she could get a look at the adult film industries loss. She looked on with her mouth gaped open.
“Whoa, Boy what the hell you do?”
John and I both laughed! Miriam Morales had seen a few really strange things in her life but the look on her face at that moment was priceless. Another text came through.
I took the call.
“Sheba, hi, this is not a good time at all. I’m kinda in the middle of something.”
“Wilt, do you remember the other night when we quarreled?”
Like I said, drama queen, cause we didn’t quarrel we argued but I just listened to what she had to say.
“We argued, not quarreled Sheba. And yes I remember.”
I lied, I was just saying that. I don’t remember that night or at least much of it cause I found a case of beer bottles and a two bottles of Jagermeister. Memories of that evening were foggy at best.
“Wilt, I wanted us to be closer ya know.”
I interrupted.
“You wanted us to be exclusive! That I remember and then got mad cause you wanted to change our relationship. When I wanted to give us a go you wanted your freedom, now you want to be Exclusive after a year of just being bed buddies!”
My tone was cruel but hell I had two watermelon sized Titties that used to be Pecs!
“Motherphuckah!”
She barked! I could hear her voice break a bit. She was getting really upset.
The only wish I could think of at that moment was "Please Lord don't let her tell me she's pregnant cause I don't want to be breast feeding this Baby!"
“We both made a wish!”
“A wish?”
“I wish that you could see what the world looked like from my point of view. And you said you wanted the same thing! Wilt, has anything funny happened to you?”
I am ashamed to say it but I have never listened to Sheba quite the way I was listening then.
“Yeah…..a couple of things have happened.”
“Wilt, I’ll come wherever you are but I need to see you. You need to see me!”
John and Miriam were both glued to my conversation while sipping Chai Tea. I gave John’s address without thinking about it.
“John and Miriam I’m sorry I should have asked before I invited her here!”
John rubbed his beard. ”Wilt after you brought “Them” in here I have got to see what’s next!”
His ebony life mate agreed. It took about a half hour but Sheba drove her Lexus 450 into the backyard. She exited the SUV as if she hadn’t called me sounding hysterical a mere forty-five minutes earlier. Sheba, statuesque, who stood all of 5’11, stopped, stared into her driver’s side mirror, flipped her hair and walked into the rear office. She wore a Plaid or Tater skirt and a cream colored blouse. She strolled with the walk of a queen. I watched from the rear window, the twins, covered by a sweatshirt.
Miriam greeted her as John came out of his office and shook her hand. She looked to me and I knew whatever she had to show me she wanted private but it couldn't’be crazier than what had already happened. I just stood as she walked towards me with all the grace of a hurricane. She stood before me and looked me in the eye. It felt as if she was boring a hole in my soul.
“Wilt, can we go somewhere else?”
“Sheba this is Dr. John Morales, my doctor, and one of my closet friends. It’s ok. Why don’t you sit down, I don’t want you to be too shocked.”
Miriam, right on cue, extended a glass of tea for her. I looked to John who just gave me this look that said, well, let her have it.
I pealed off my sweat shirt and untapped the twins. Sheba’s mouth dropped open and then she like John and Miriam broke into loud laughter! I found myself a little angry cause I was excited to hear what she had to say and here she was laughing at what happened to me. John, standing behind me set his hand on my shoulder. Miriam stood next to her husband as Sheba inhaled a deep breath and lifted her tarter skirt. To say that everyone exhaled loudly at the same moment would be an understatement……But it definitely alters our relationship.
DEFINITELY!
Fin
Well Y'all, that's it for now. There are actually three alternate endings to this story. The original has been published in the Kosmic Muffin Press Long Beach Pan Afrikan Writers Workshop Anthology under the title Mr. Floppy. I hope y'all enjoyed it.
Jaycee
So this is the last section of the Effin D Cups! We left Wilt and Dr. John Morales in Dr. Morales Home office.
“Wilt, I going to draw some blood and have your hormones tested. I’ll need a sperm sample too. I’m going to take you off work and place you on disability until we figure this out. Don’t worry we will work it out.”
I hated his reassuring voice right now. Plus, he seemed too excited about this. He had this insane gleam in his eye. At this thought, I decided to ask some real questions.
“John, what am I gonna do? I, not we woke up with breasts. I’m a man!
A Man! Damn it! What am I going to do? , I felt myself going over the edge. How will I be able to get through this? At that moment a text was coming through. By the ring tone I knew Sheba Jones wanted to take another bite out me.
I ignored it cause of all the times that this was not the time. This was the time! Instead I concentrated on what John was saying.
“Wilt if you couldn’t walk tomorrow what would you do? Would you give up and say I can’t walk so that’s it? If you couldn’t have children would you still be a man? Could you still be loved and love someone? He paused for dramatic effect. Shit, was honestly pissing me off. Sheba sent another text.
This one was marked URGENT! I ignored it because SHEBA was epitome of the word Drama and I didn’t have time for this. She always texted URGENT! Dr. John was still going.
“Well, Wilton Tate? You are Wilton Tate, a man. That doesn’t change because of the shell. And I might add that gender doesn’t make up all of what you are. Who are you at your essence? What are you at you essence?"
He looked at the breasts.
"John, stop staring at my breasts please.”
He laughed.
I can’t help it some poor adult film stars missing those. We both found ourselves laughing, loud and hardy. Then John, put on his Doctor cap again, and began to ask me questions about what had I been doing in the last two weeks. We moved from the examination room into his small office. Once again, Drama Queen Sheba, my Sexxxy friend with benefits texted a Brotha!
URGENT!
"Damn it Wilton! Answer this phone! Need to talk to you now! Right now!"
John stared at me, obviously wondering about the rash of texts. There was a knock at the door. His wife stepped in, I found myself covering my breasts, I mean, the twins! She looked at us, Chai tea tray and saucers held before her. This was just a ruse! John looked at his Wife as a disapproving Father would a naughty child. She didn’t flinch! But her accent became more pronounced.
“Wha Cha want me do? Boy interrupt me Saturday with me Husband yelling bout breasts! I had to see me self!”
I turned so she could get a look at the adult film industries loss. She looked on with her mouth gaped open.
“Whoa, Boy what the hell you do?”
John and I both laughed! Miriam Morales had seen a few really strange things in her life but the look on her face at that moment was priceless. Another text came through.
I took the call.
“Sheba, hi, this is not a good time at all. I’m kinda in the middle of something.”
“Wilt, do you remember the other night when we quarreled?”
Like I said, drama queen, cause we didn’t quarrel we argued but I just listened to what she had to say.
“We argued, not quarreled Sheba. And yes I remember.”
I lied, I was just saying that. I don’t remember that night or at least much of it cause I found a case of beer bottles and a two bottles of Jagermeister. Memories of that evening were foggy at best.
“Wilt, I wanted us to be closer ya know.”
I interrupted.
“You wanted us to be exclusive! That I remember and then got mad cause you wanted to change our relationship. When I wanted to give us a go you wanted your freedom, now you want to be Exclusive after a year of just being bed buddies!”
My tone was cruel but hell I had two watermelon sized Titties that used to be Pecs!
“Motherphuckah!”
She barked! I could hear her voice break a bit. She was getting really upset.
The only wish I could think of at that moment was "Please Lord don't let her tell me she's pregnant cause I don't want to be breast feeding this Baby!"
“We both made a wish!”
“A wish?”
“I wish that you could see what the world looked like from my point of view. And you said you wanted the same thing! Wilt, has anything funny happened to you?”
I am ashamed to say it but I have never listened to Sheba quite the way I was listening then.
“Yeah…..a couple of things have happened.”
“Wilt, I’ll come wherever you are but I need to see you. You need to see me!”
John and Miriam were both glued to my conversation while sipping Chai Tea. I gave John’s address without thinking about it.
“John and Miriam I’m sorry I should have asked before I invited her here!”
John rubbed his beard. ”Wilt after you brought “Them” in here I have got to see what’s next!”
His ebony life mate agreed. It took about a half hour but Sheba drove her Lexus 450 into the backyard. She exited the SUV as if she hadn’t called me sounding hysterical a mere forty-five minutes earlier. Sheba, statuesque, who stood all of 5’11, stopped, stared into her driver’s side mirror, flipped her hair and walked into the rear office. She wore a Plaid or Tater skirt and a cream colored blouse. She strolled with the walk of a queen. I watched from the rear window, the twins, covered by a sweatshirt.
Miriam greeted her as John came out of his office and shook her hand. She looked to me and I knew whatever she had to show me she wanted private but it couldn't’be crazier than what had already happened. I just stood as she walked towards me with all the grace of a hurricane. She stood before me and looked me in the eye. It felt as if she was boring a hole in my soul.
“Wilt, can we go somewhere else?”
“Sheba this is Dr. John Morales, my doctor, and one of my closet friends. It’s ok. Why don’t you sit down, I don’t want you to be too shocked.”
Miriam, right on cue, extended a glass of tea for her. I looked to John who just gave me this look that said, well, let her have it.
I pealed off my sweat shirt and untapped the twins. Sheba’s mouth dropped open and then she like John and Miriam broke into loud laughter! I found myself a little angry cause I was excited to hear what she had to say and here she was laughing at what happened to me. John, standing behind me set his hand on my shoulder. Miriam stood next to her husband as Sheba inhaled a deep breath and lifted her tarter skirt. To say that everyone exhaled loudly at the same moment would be an understatement……But it definitely alters our relationship.
DEFINITELY!
Fin
Well Y'all, that's it for now. There are actually three alternate endings to this story. The original has been published in the Kosmic Muffin Press Long Beach Pan Afrikan Writers Workshop Anthology under the title Mr. Floppy. I hope y'all enjoyed it.
Jaycee
Friday, October 23, 2009
Happy Friday!
I had nothing to do with it! I was just as shocked to see a Clown arrested as you were.......Bruhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I tried to keep from laughing on that one but I couldn't !
Y'all know me. I was doubled up in Super Sized Shaquille O'Neal Glee at this!
Have a Good Friday!
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Cause You Asked for it! RAW TATTIGE!
You like that? Yeah, you do! Well, you shouldn't, cause they Serious Black's Man-Tatas! Just Kidding! Serious Blacks Man Boobies put these to shame! Just kidding! Love you Lisa Nicole Carson! Love You!
But it illustrates an important point. Breast Cancer Awareness. That's right! It's Breast Cancer Awareness month!
Why? Whyyyyyy Mista Jaycee did you take it there?????????
Cause Mrs. Jaycee won't let me put the really hot, really luscious works of art that the Great Manufacturer created!
No, not really!
Let's be serious for a moment. Breast Cancer can happen to Men and Women. That's right, Check! Take the time to check yourself and get checked and if you should feel a lump don't let fear rule you! GOOOOOO to the DOCTOR!
And Fellas, while you're in the shower do an Equipment check. Same rules apply!
Husbands don't be afraid to help your Wives examine theirs. It's the Responsible thing and plus you, well, you get to feel her BOOBS, ya idiot! Now get to it!
BE Informed! BE AWARE! BE Astounded by SERIOUS BLACK'S RAW TATTIGGE!
No just kidding...
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
THE BLUE CAFE
Today I decided to walk along the promenade in my beloved East Arts Village neighborhood of Downtown, Long Beach. Here is the World Famous Blue Cafe. It's closed right now due to a flood but it's a great place. I had my 30th birthday party here, listening to BB Chung King, came and participated in the "Best Damn Poetry Slam" every Sunday afternoon and ate great chicken Nachos!Here's hoping it doesn't close! The Mama's Boys need a good place to play and the promenade would not be the same without the aroma of good food, sounds of good music, the sights of half nekked women and classic cars lining the streets but most of all "Me" just jottin it all down and shooting pics!
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Monday, October 19, 2009
So, What happened to The Change?
Ok, so we now know, what we've always known. Obama is not super dude! He can't fix everything in a single stroke of the pen. But that does not absolve you from the responsibility of doing your part. Have you contacted your representative and those who plan on running for office? If not, why not?
See, Obama is not the only one crying for change! I want and need better health care. I want more money spent on education! I want a large reduction in prison building and upkeep.
Ask yourself. How are we doing in America after building all these prisons? We incarcerate more people than any other country. Has it made us safer. Politicians constantly run on getting tough on crime. Has any and I mean, ANY of the crime measures enacted deterred anyone from crime?
Why are we not asking those questions?
Why are Public Highways being built with Private money for Private contractors? Did the State run out of money? Did the State or the Federal Government forget how to do it? Perhaps it's cheaper this way? Is it?
Why do so many schools in Los Angeles County look like prison yards? The basketball courts and playgrounds are fenced in and on the 2nd level of a former office buildings. Why?
The State of California is in the toilet? Why was Arnold not allowed to fix it? What happened? Is it the way we collect taxes? Warren Buffet seemed to think so. He said we didn't tax homes properly. He paid more in taxes for his home in Nebraska than for his home in Newport Beach.
A Billionaire said that!
So, when our we gonna see some change? When you start making it!
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful!BE Careful!
Jaycee
Friday, October 16, 2009
It's Friday!
Photo courtesy of IcanhascheeseburgersMista Jaycee currently listening to Kurt Elling's "Flirting with Twilight"
Happy Friday! Happy Creation Sabbath! Now as we go into the weekend let us go with love, peace, devotion. Let us arm ourselves with the whole armour of God (IAM)!
My Weapons, Poetry, music, humor, love, joy and peace!
As the Baha'i pray daily.
To be recited once in twenty four hours, at noon.
I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee.
I testify, at this moment, to my powerlessness and to Thy might, to my poverty and to Thy wealth.
There is none other God but Thee, the Help in Peril, the Self-Subsisting.
Bahá’u’lláh
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Monday, October 12, 2009
Poetry: End Domestic Violence!
The Slap wasn't kinky or fun like a slap on the buns/Anger permeated the air like ozone
Once/upon time/they locked/doors/tore clothes/off/with teeth/hours/passed from/sunrise/to/sunset/loves musk perfumed sofa pillows/hall carpet burns/Love unbound/
Hour/pon/hour /alone
Gone! Love/Gone!
Replaced with desires of escape/revenge/hatred and fear of being alone with once/loved one
Alone!
Her face swollen/fear pumped through her heart and veins/Her date/eyes glazed/words putrid projectiles/foamed mouth/tongue insane/He slapped/He punched/He kicked/He screamed! He no longer the love of her life/Respect/Manhood and dignity burned and blowing away like menthol scented ashes
Her face pulp/her will shaken /but now unmovable/love gone/love gone/Next day/
phone calls/sweet words/mean nothing/flowers /engagement rings/ tombstones/monuments of dead love/love now wrong/love gone!
Young fiery passion/now smoldering ember ashes/wedding bell/sweat stained sheet/jasmine scented walks in the sunset/now/rainy/obsidian/black funeral masses!
End Domestic Violence!
Womenshelter of Long Beach Battered Womens Hotline
930 Pacific Ave.Long Beach, CA 90813
(562) 437-4663
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Obama and the Russians: The Snub that Wasn't
I know there are some who may say that this was not a SNUB! But I've watched it and it's a SNUB!
Just a little historical fact...Did you know that during the times when England and Portugal were the main superpowers that the European Heads of States, The Kings did not bow, salute, gift or acknowledge the Afrikan Kings when they would visit?
Fact!
Some traditions are unspoken and unwritten yet they remain.
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Friday, October 9, 2009
"The Creation" By Wintley Phipps
I have always loved this poem. Now this Man reciting this poem is one of the greatest voices America has ever produced.
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Mista Jaycee's Top Five Disturbing, Scary Kid Toys!
My Man, Serious Black, from over at the League of Evil Monkeys guested on this post. The idea came about as I was just thinking out loud, (Yes! I think about stuff like this) that a Jack In The Box ain't funnie! You never see a little kid laugh when playing with it! Think......the kid cracks the toy, the Pop Goes the Weasel songs comes on then POP! The Kid jumps back when this look of What the Hell was that? Then he tests it again cause it can't be that scary again......right?
Ish!
So here's our little list of the most disturbing, scary kid toys!
5. Teddy Ruxpin!
Teddy is scary! Go on admit it, you know you want to!
4. Clown Punching Bag!
It glowed in the dark and at night when it sat in the corner it was scary! SCARY Darn it!
Ish!
So here's our little list of the most disturbing, scary kid toys!
5. Teddy Ruxpin!
Teddy is scary! Go on admit it, you know you want to!4. Clown Punching Bag!
It glowed in the dark and at night when it sat in the corner it was scary! SCARY Darn it!
3. The Cabbage Patch Kids!
They were full, life like and Ugly! Goodness, were they UGLY!
2. The Ventriloquist Dummy!
Hey! Lucifer threw his voice into a snake! What harm could come of learning to throw your voice and having a carved, wooden, humanoid type object in your home? Remember that episode of the Twilight Zone?
"I would never put you in a Box....." Scary! SCARY! Darn it!
And now the # 1 Scary, most disturbing Kids Toy that's supposed to be FUN!
1. THE JACK IN THE BOX!
Now, let me get this correct........
You buy your lil kid this toy. He or She is what one or two years old and they turn the crank, the cool "POP GOES THE WEASEL" song plays then POW! This hideous, clown thing pops out! That's supposed to be Fun right?
Have you ever actually watched your kid play with it? The kid jumps back and all but screams then he tries this thing again, cause he loves you and his or her one or two year mind can not grasp the thought that you guys don't really love em! So then, they do it again! Something happens and it's STILL NOT FUNNIE! After the 15th try the Kids KNOW IT but they're powerless to stop it cause the JACK IN THE BOX has got em cause of the "POP GOES THE WEASEL SONG!"
This of course is the beginning of your child's mistrust in you, his loss of faith in Humanity and a possible psychosis!
Go on admit it! You know you still flinch whenever you see the Jack in the Box! Sure, you'll crank it but even though you know, what's gonna happen you still flinch! How do you feel about Mom and Dad now? Go onnnnnnn! I'll wait! Admit it! It's okay to cry! As long as you do it in the bathroom, while biting down on a towel with the faucet water running.
Have Fun! Halloween's Coming!
BE Mindful! BE Prayerful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A Happy Birthday Piece! Things You Don't Wanna Know When You're 40!
1. You get up out of bed and hear a cracking or ripping sound and it's YOU!
2. Your hair is leaving your head but growing in other places like your earlobes!
3. There's a horrible scent waifing in through the window when suddenly you discover the windows not open!
4. The really hot girl at work calls you Papa! Not Big Papa!
5. The really hot girl says she was five in 1986!
6. A Photographer says you're perfect, for the Before Picture!
7. A photographer films you for a PSA this is what you'll look like if you DO drugs!
8. You look behind you and there's no one there! It's all YOU!
9. You join a conversation about music and no one knows any of the songs or artists you're talking about!
10. Everyone in the office looks to you to explain anything that happened in the 1980's!
Happy Birthday To Me! 40! I'm Blessed!
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Interesting Weekend Stuff to Do!
Hey Y'all,
Just wanna peep everyone to some interesting stuff to do tomorrow, October 4th, (My Birthday) 2009.
Tell Mista Jaycee Happy Birthday and then you can go over to see a Roda at the Capoeira Angola Center. Capoeira Angola is the Afrikan/Brazilian Martial Arts System developed by the enslaved in Brazil. It looks like a dance but woooooooe unto you if you tango with a Master.
Follow the link. http://getupandmove.info/
RODA: Everyone is welcome
Host:
Capoeira Angola Center of Los Angeles
Type:
Music/Arts - Jam Session
Network:
Global
Date:
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Time:
3:00pm - 7:00pm
Location:
Creative Seeds
Street:
5443 W. Pico Blvd.
City/Town:
Los Angeles, CA
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
Friday, October 2, 2009
SMOOOVE JAZZ! Gaaaaag!
So, I'm riding in the car with Mrs. Jaycee, and she's had a tough day so she's flipping through the radio stations. First, she stopped on 102.3 KJLH (Adult R and B) and we listened for a lil while, but then she turned to the 94.7 The Wave and I about,hurled! It's a joke between us now. She knows how I detest so called SMOOOVE JAZZZZ! She does it just to get a rise out of me. (wink)
I love straight ahead jazz! KJZZ 88.1 Long Beach or y'all can go to Jazzandblues.org and listen to the live feed cause it is one of my favorites but as I was saying I'm stuck in the car about to hurl cause the smoove jazz station, THE WAVE is on.
I reach out to change the station, and Mrs. Jaycee, slaps my hand away with an almost out worldly power. Her eyes were suddenly ablaze crimson and white fire emanating from her eye sockets, her hands, once smooth, now scaly, her beautiful nails transformed to talons of death!
The Cute short Doo was now a mass of burning Medusa type locks flailing about snapping at me. I backed up as they hissed! Then she spoke, her alto voice was gone replaced by a T-Pain like auto tune whine. Waves of sulfur smoke began to choke me as my vision blurred.
"Don't touch my radio! Only the Drrrrrriver gets to Touch the RADIO!"
(This some scary ish right here)
So with the sounds of yet another weak version of Stevie Wonders "As" butchered, and my beautiful Wife, transformed into an auto tune, sulfur bellowing, Wave Loving, Smoove Jazz creature, I reached for the door handle to make my escape! Our SUV was in the fast lane of the 405 freeway, going 70 miles and hour. My Wife, now transformed into the Smoove jazz Thing that shall not be named grabbed me with her talons, yanking the seat belt shoulder harness and securing me in the seat like a two year old and slammed the door!
I remember it well.........I was curled up on the floor in an almost fetal position, Smoove Jazz music blasting through the truck, my Wife, looked down at me and spewed these venomous words with her brimstone breath.
"Stop crying and sucking your thumb you big Clown hating Baby! It's just the Wave! Damn! Make a Knukka have a wreak with that stupid ish!"
Ok, that didn't happen! Well, the don't touch my radio thing did but all the rest of it didn't!
Now, my beef really ain't with the SMOOVE Music or it's players. It's the FORMAT! They play the same songs over and over and over again.
Even worse! All the players sound the same as well. I'm sorry but Miles Davis and Fats Navarro were both Trumpet players but they didn't sound the same! You take John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderley and Wayne Shorter and ask them to play the same tune on an Alto Sax and it will sound totally different from those three players!
Totally different!
See that's the problem with so called Smoove Jazz! It forgot to be Jazz.
Go ahead and name me a few Smoove jazz players. Can you really tell the difference between Boney James and Kenny G?
Go on i'll wait!
What's Jazz really? Well it's improvisational music with a rich connection to the BLUES!
The SMOOVE MUSIC format................
Gag!
Has none of that! But again, what gets me is the Format or lack of variety in the play list.
They play Grover Washington Jr. Cool! Grover Washington was Mutha-------(shut yo Mouth) !
But all they play is "Mr. Magic" or Just the Two of us with Bill Whiters! Grover Washington Jr. had over a twenty year career and all you can play from all them albums. Them HIT albums is those two cuts? Bill Whiters has recorded tons of music that could be played on the Smoove station but it's never seen the light of day there.
WTF??????
Same with George Benson, Al Jarreau, Michael Franks and Stanley Turntine!
Dig....go to You Tube and look Stanley Turntine and Grant Green up then come back!
I know this statement will start a huge argument but.....COOL! Just so you understand where Mista Jaycee's coming from...just cause the music is instrumental does not make it JAZZ!
Some would argue it's not even music but that's the extreme! Then they totally neglect George Howard and Pieces of a Dream! They only play Kenny G (ASB) and not Kenny G (BSB) and that's a shame cause Kenny G (BSB) was a very interesting dude to hear play.
Translation: Kenny G Before Songbird (BSB) and Kenny G After Songbird (ASB)!
Come on! Admit it! You know the SMOOVE Jazz Format is where all the Great R AND B Singers have gone so they won't starve or worse DIE!
When did JEFFREY OSBORNE and PEABO BRYSON stop being R AND B? Did they music change? No, I suspect that thier audiences grew older and mooooooore mellow so they went with the audience.
What about Bob James and David Sanborn? Both had long careers before "Double Vision" but you never hear them play much of anything either man has produced before "Double Vision"
The SMOOVE JAZZ Station only plays what fits and sounds like the format! So what we get is endless dreck! NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL! What about George Duke? Cannonball Adderley's later stuff? Grant Green? Hell, between him, George Benson and Wes Montgomery they practically invented every riff played on the WAVE yet they ain't being played! Think about that next time you listening to Ronnie Jordan, Norman Brown or Marc Chapman.
No, the Smoove Jazz format overall has just found a formulaic way to play music that does not stimulate......titillate or motivate............much! It's like they've taken the music and washed away all the SOUL! All the FUNK! And they left us with this bland, margarine, oatmeal music!
So, dig, here is my proposal. First, start playing more cuts from all the albums! Second, explore the wealth of such artists catalogs. Remember there would not be a SMOOOVE Jazz format if it was not for BOB JAMES, LES McCann, Stanley Turntine, Pieces of A Dream and Grover Washington. They were doing Contemporary Jazz, which was Jazz infused with Funk and Afro Cuban and R and B! They were doing FUSION which was ROCK and JAZZ. And the music deserves alot more respect than just some watered down MUZAK that passes for JAZZ!
NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL!
NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL!
NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL!
NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL!
Me......I'd rather have a drink!
BE Careful! BE Mindful! BE Prayerful!
Jaycee
Thursday, October 1, 2009
FICTION: "Effin D Cups!" Part 2
Hey Gang,
So I gave you a taste of "Effin D Cups!" the story of a UPS Man who wakes up with the boobs of a porn star. Now, i'll let you have another taste. We now continue this story already in progress!
Jaycee
I called my friend and doctor John Morales. We’d known each other for ten years. I knew his home number. The phone rang several times and I let it keep ringing until someone answered.
“John! I need help man! Breasts! Damn it! John I woke up with Breasts!”
“What? Hello! Who is this?”
In my panic the Misses had answered the phone. She thankfully, handed the phone to her husband before she proceeded to laugh her ass off!
He jumbled the phone, asking his hysterically laughing wife “Who is it? And he said what? She kept on laughing and before long he was giggling too. So was I.
I could hear the pitch of her laughter going higher and higher until she was coughing. I imagined her doubling over in laughter, a single tear streaking down her cheek on her cherry wood floor among the thick throw rugs.
“Wilt? Are you high? What’s up man calm down! Calm down!”
“John, I’m not playing man. I need to see you now! I mean now!”
“Ok, calm down and be at my home office in 15 minutes. He said.”
I calmed down some, jumped in the shower, bathed quickly, dried off and jumped into some clothes. I still took some the time to try and hide the twins. This wasn’t easy. It was like trying to shoplift two watermelons. Ladies, if you reading this I’ma tell you that you can’t blame a dude for looking at em. Damn, it ain’t like we can miss em!
But I digress.
I got in the truck and drove to John’s. I turned the corner and flew into his driveway almost taking out the fence post and this weird looking garden gnome. Mrs. Morales looked startled but she managed to keep her composure and just waved me passed as I drove to the rear of their driveway.
John came out the back entrance stopping to hug and kiss his wife long and slow and walked to the rear office. John is a medium size man but he has a voice that’s as deep as Barry White’s. It’s startling sometimes to hear him. He’s light skinned, green eyed and graying at the temples. I hate to tell the Brotha but he’s beginning to blow some of his feathers up top. He’s kinda thin and walks with a martial artist’s calm gait.
His Wife is a least two maybe two and a half, inches taller than he is. I remember when they met. She was fine and thick then. Now she was larger, having given birth to three children but she still had a nice shape. She was as dark as a blackberry. I hate to even think it but it just us right? I couldn’t help but think about how good her kiss must feel and how good it must taste.
There! I said it!
Moving right along, I got out of the truck as soon as he got close enough to the office door. I didn’t want anyone especially Mrs. Morales to get a look at Dominique Simone’s movie career. I closed the gates to his back yard. John looked at me as if I was 5150. Maybe I was, but he just unlocked his office and turned on the lights not speaking until he had put on his office coat. As soon as he had button the white doctor’s coat he calmly began to speak.
“Wilt what’s wrong? You called hollering about waking up with breasts! You always waking up with breasts. What’s so different about this Saturday morning?”
I dropped the jacket and sweatshirt. His mouth dropped!
“Sweet Mercy!”
I laughed! The look on John’s face was priceless! John reached out tentatively to see if his eyes were deceiving him. Then he lifted the left breast as I had earlier. He poked and prodded me. I felt quite violated. I felt soooo used! I know that sounds funny coming from a man but I did.
“When did you get the implants?”
“I didn’t.” I answered angrily! Well angrier than I felt. I thought Malone may have played a joke but they’re real man. I can feel them.”
He rubbed his beard. He had a good five o’clock shadow which meant I had woken him from a Saturday morning sleep. John Morales never left his home without being shaved and impeccably dressed. He was the original hardest working West Indian and he didn’t believe in half ass stuff.
“What is this? What’s happening to me?” You can take these out right? It’s ain’t possible for a man to grow breasts overnight.”
I felt the rage coming on again. I sulked quietly.
“No, it’s not possible for a man your age to grow breasts overnight but don’t confuse that with growing breasts. Hormones, it would have to be a large dose of estrogen several times a week in order for this to happen and other things would happen too.
Such as?
“Well, he said in a disturbingly effeminate voice. Your voice would get higher, your facial hair would fall out, you chest hair would fall out, your flesh would soften, your hips! Would begin to Roooooooound!
He twirled.
And you’d eventually have a more female appearance. You’re bald but have you begun to shave your head more than before? Your voice sounds as deep as it ever did.
Now Wilt, is there anything you want to tell me? Are you gay? Are you on a hormone therapy? I swung at John and almost connected but he was ready and palmed me in the throat. He stood away from me in a cat stance.
“I’ll take that as a no! I was just checking my friend. But if you were I would only be angry that you hadn’t told me. We’ve been friends a very long time.”
I had to catch my breath. John Morales, General Practitioner was quite elegant but the brother could and would kick ass. Finally I got my voice back.
“What do we do? I can’t go to work like this, what would people say and what. I dared not say this aloud. What if this is not over, what if tomorrow my body continues to change? Why would it do this? What will I do? I’d be some kind of freak!”
The rage was back! John went back into his cat stance, ready, in case he needed to be.
I didn’t move. I had to calm down. I took a deep breath counting backwards from ten and exhaled counting upwards to twenty and then back down again slowly on the inhalation.
John had a great print matted and framed of the Moorish Chief hanging in the examination room.
Ok, Yall! That's all so what do you think about Wilt and his......situation?
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
So I gave you a taste of "Effin D Cups!" the story of a UPS Man who wakes up with the boobs of a porn star. Now, i'll let you have another taste. We now continue this story already in progress!
Jaycee
I called my friend and doctor John Morales. We’d known each other for ten years. I knew his home number. The phone rang several times and I let it keep ringing until someone answered.
“John! I need help man! Breasts! Damn it! John I woke up with Breasts!”
“What? Hello! Who is this?”
In my panic the Misses had answered the phone. She thankfully, handed the phone to her husband before she proceeded to laugh her ass off!
He jumbled the phone, asking his hysterically laughing wife “Who is it? And he said what? She kept on laughing and before long he was giggling too. So was I.
I could hear the pitch of her laughter going higher and higher until she was coughing. I imagined her doubling over in laughter, a single tear streaking down her cheek on her cherry wood floor among the thick throw rugs.
“Wilt? Are you high? What’s up man calm down! Calm down!”
“John, I’m not playing man. I need to see you now! I mean now!”
“Ok, calm down and be at my home office in 15 minutes. He said.”
I calmed down some, jumped in the shower, bathed quickly, dried off and jumped into some clothes. I still took some the time to try and hide the twins. This wasn’t easy. It was like trying to shoplift two watermelons. Ladies, if you reading this I’ma tell you that you can’t blame a dude for looking at em. Damn, it ain’t like we can miss em!
But I digress.
I got in the truck and drove to John’s. I turned the corner and flew into his driveway almost taking out the fence post and this weird looking garden gnome. Mrs. Morales looked startled but she managed to keep her composure and just waved me passed as I drove to the rear of their driveway.
John came out the back entrance stopping to hug and kiss his wife long and slow and walked to the rear office. John is a medium size man but he has a voice that’s as deep as Barry White’s. It’s startling sometimes to hear him. He’s light skinned, green eyed and graying at the temples. I hate to tell the Brotha but he’s beginning to blow some of his feathers up top. He’s kinda thin and walks with a martial artist’s calm gait.
His Wife is a least two maybe two and a half, inches taller than he is. I remember when they met. She was fine and thick then. Now she was larger, having given birth to three children but she still had a nice shape. She was as dark as a blackberry. I hate to even think it but it just us right? I couldn’t help but think about how good her kiss must feel and how good it must taste.
There! I said it!
Moving right along, I got out of the truck as soon as he got close enough to the office door. I didn’t want anyone especially Mrs. Morales to get a look at Dominique Simone’s movie career. I closed the gates to his back yard. John looked at me as if I was 5150. Maybe I was, but he just unlocked his office and turned on the lights not speaking until he had put on his office coat. As soon as he had button the white doctor’s coat he calmly began to speak.
“Wilt what’s wrong? You called hollering about waking up with breasts! You always waking up with breasts. What’s so different about this Saturday morning?”
I dropped the jacket and sweatshirt. His mouth dropped!
“Sweet Mercy!”
I laughed! The look on John’s face was priceless! John reached out tentatively to see if his eyes were deceiving him. Then he lifted the left breast as I had earlier. He poked and prodded me. I felt quite violated. I felt soooo used! I know that sounds funny coming from a man but I did.
“When did you get the implants?”
“I didn’t.” I answered angrily! Well angrier than I felt. I thought Malone may have played a joke but they’re real man. I can feel them.”
He rubbed his beard. He had a good five o’clock shadow which meant I had woken him from a Saturday morning sleep. John Morales never left his home without being shaved and impeccably dressed. He was the original hardest working West Indian and he didn’t believe in half ass stuff.
“What is this? What’s happening to me?” You can take these out right? It’s ain’t possible for a man to grow breasts overnight.”
I felt the rage coming on again. I sulked quietly.
“No, it’s not possible for a man your age to grow breasts overnight but don’t confuse that with growing breasts. Hormones, it would have to be a large dose of estrogen several times a week in order for this to happen and other things would happen too.
Such as?
“Well, he said in a disturbingly effeminate voice. Your voice would get higher, your facial hair would fall out, you chest hair would fall out, your flesh would soften, your hips! Would begin to Roooooooound!
He twirled.
And you’d eventually have a more female appearance. You’re bald but have you begun to shave your head more than before? Your voice sounds as deep as it ever did.
Now Wilt, is there anything you want to tell me? Are you gay? Are you on a hormone therapy? I swung at John and almost connected but he was ready and palmed me in the throat. He stood away from me in a cat stance.
“I’ll take that as a no! I was just checking my friend. But if you were I would only be angry that you hadn’t told me. We’ve been friends a very long time.”
I had to catch my breath. John Morales, General Practitioner was quite elegant but the brother could and would kick ass. Finally I got my voice back.
“What do we do? I can’t go to work like this, what would people say and what. I dared not say this aloud. What if this is not over, what if tomorrow my body continues to change? Why would it do this? What will I do? I’d be some kind of freak!”
The rage was back! John went back into his cat stance, ready, in case he needed to be.
I didn’t move. I had to calm down. I took a deep breath counting backwards from ten and exhaled counting upwards to twenty and then back down again slowly on the inhalation.
John had a great print matted and framed of the Moorish Chief hanging in the examination room.
Ok, Yall! That's all so what do you think about Wilt and his......situation?
BE Prayerful! BE Mindful! BE Careful!
Jaycee
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